Don Mulford
The Shower
I was dusty and dishevelled, I'd been cleaning out the attic;
All the trash was at the curbside for collection,
So I doffed my dirty blue-jeans and my grimy, sweaty shirt;
A steaming shower was now my predilection!
I locked the bathroom door, for the kids were tearing 'round,
And I longed for peace and quiet whilst I bathed,
Then I brushed my teeth with vigour, and I filed my finger nails,
And with a bright new razor blade, I shaved.
Now the prelude was completed, I turned the faucets on;
I adjusted hot and cold to suit my touch,
Then I stepped into the steaming stream and drew the shower curtain,
Glad to start the shower I'd dreamed about so much.
I had no sooner started in to soaping arms and shoulders
Than there came a voice outside, with anxious tone,
I know you're in the shower, but you'll have to turn it off!
I'm afraid that someone wants you on the phone!
I wrapped a towel round my waist and dripping, grabbed the phone,
Then an unctuous voice came clear across the wire;
It's time you bought a burial plot! the oily voice declared---------!
I slammed the phone down hard, my nerves on fire.
Then back towards the bathroom, but the door was closed up tight.
Who's in there now? I want to take my shower!
Should have known a teenage daughter would be putting on her make-up!
I could feel my rising temper getting sour!
At last I got back in there after pacing back and forth,
Leaving footprints, wet and soggy in the hall,
Then 'adjust the water's temp'rature again' and jump back in,
Take the shampoo from the holder on the wall.
I gave the shampoo bottle just a gentle little squeeze,
But the bottle cap shot right across the shower,
And I stood there with the shampoo dripping slowly off my ears,
And my language would have made the family cower!
I restrained my mounting anger and began to rinse it off,
When I heard the strangest gurgling in the plumbing,
Then the flow became a trickle and the water went right off,
So I guessed that no more water would be coming.
When the flow was re-established and I'd rinsed myself at last,
I heard my wife call to me from the stairs,
There's water coming through the ceiling, dripping on my head,
And it's soaking all the carpets and the chairs!
It seems that when I'd left the room to answer that darned phone
I'd let the shower curtain hang outside,
And I hadn't noticed when I turned the shower on again,
So downstairs it seemed there was a rising tide.
I don't think I will ever want to take another shower!
It's an urge that I am surely going to squash!
I'll just keep in mind the maxim that I always thought a joke!
Tell myself that------- ONLY DIRTY PEOPLE WASH!!!!!!